WHY?

"You God are my God...earnestly I seek You." I started my day declaring that I wanted all of God. I woke up this morning with Psalm 63 on my mind.  I had a pretty decent day, very lazy snow day. However, my night was not as peaceful. There's way too much background information needed to tell the whole story, so I'll keep it very brief. The bottom line is yet again, I returned back to a situation (read situation as boy) that I had no business dealing with. Now God has already clearly revealed to me that this man is not for me in any way, shape, or form. In fact, I studied 2 Corinthians 6:14-16 today and it became even more clear that this man is not for me. What do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with dark? Now I'm not saying this man is wicked or unrighteous, but I do know that he is not helping me in my walk with God. While I don't think he is  "a" demon, I do think he is  "my" demon. He causes me to question my morals and values and I am almost willing to compromise my spirituality for him. Nothing about this screams Godly. 

For whatever reason, this situation with him has been the struggle of my life for almost 4 years now. Insane, right? I know.  Although I don't intend to beat myself up about it, I do realize that this fight I'm in is primarily with myself. I've given this man/this situation too much power and space in my life. I'm declaring that today was the final test. I've decided that  I would like to actually please God and pass the test. I'm not writing this blog tonight because I want to tell you all about this chaotic confusion, but because I want to discuss the purpose behind it. I've been walking with God long enough to know that every single thing that happens in this little life of mine is for a purpose. So tonight, I asked God, one three letter word-why. Why  do you allow this happen to me? Why do you send me back into the eye of the storm? Why do you think I deserve this? Why do you find it necessary for me to fight this same battle over and over again?  And He replied, "I have to hurt you to help you." And I immediately understood. It's like getting a needle at the doctor's office. The nurse says, this will hurt just a bit, but the shot is designed to heal you. That's just it. Without this sting of pain, I would never pay attention. Although I was torn and confused all along, I kept rolling  with it because it wasn't hurting enough. You see what happened? I had to get your attention.  That's the only way you come running back to me. And He's right. For the last two hours, I've been sitting with God, face all in the Bible, blasting sermons and hymns through my Beats, mouth worshiping Him. He knows. This is the last time. He has my attention.  I can't tell you how many times I've failed this test, but I'm proclaiming tonight-never again. 



[When I get to that crazy place of chaos, I put on my Beats to tune everything out, and open up my Bible to get in God's presence. What do you do?]