trust.issues.

Beat of the Moment: Anthony Brown and Group TherAPy, "Deserve" (and the rest of the album)


I woke up early this morning and I was feeling very cheerful. I literally stretched and smiled (lol). I woke up around 8am, said a morning prayer, and started cleaning my bathroom. Strange. I know. Then I hopped back in my bed and started watching some tv. I watched Waiting to Exhale (I love Savannah) then some reality show called Fix My Mom (kind of weird, kind of good). After that I went back to bed. 

Fast forward a few hours. I wake up again. This time I have tears and crust in my eyes. What? What happened to the cheerfulness? And for whatever reason, being 30 was on my mind. Oh goodness. Here we go. I didn't blog about being 30 because I've been up and down about it. Anyway. I grab one of my ten journals and start writing. My journals are usually addressed to God. I'm usually sad when I write then always end up feeling much better. Therapeutic writing for the win! After writing, I decided to read some old entries. Ut-Oh. And this is where today's topic of trust issues evolved. 

An excerpt from a journal entry from July 14, 2014 reads: 

"I'm going to trust that you have a plan for whatever you send my way. I would rather stay alone then I don't have to run the risk of getting hurt. Will you please protect me? Will you just let me know if this is for me? Also, will you please work on me? I HAVE MAJOR TRUST ISSUES. I create stuff in my mind based on what has happened in the past. Will you do the research for me, so I can stop worrying? Will you let me know if this is where I should be? If you would just give me the green light to trust then I'd feel much better. Ease my pain. Make it right. Please don't let me stress myself out for no reason. If you're going to take me through this season of dating, please don't leave me. Let me date with purpose." 

It's true. I have trust issues on top of trust issues on top of trust issues. I won't get into root causes (maybe one day), but I recognize the problem. A lot of these issues prevent me from even thinking long-term relationship status with most people. Pair this with my semi-type A personality and my  "need to know everything" and we have one heck of a situation. 

This "situation" is what was on my mind when I woke up for the second time this morning. God, at some point, I have to figure this mess out. At some point (I'm thinking 30 is a good point), I need to allow "someone" the opportunity to get close to me. I need to open up. I need to be vulnerable. I need to take my hands off. I need to trust. I'm not saying live carelessly. But I should not be afraid of making an attempt. I can't get upset if both parties made an honest attempt (good faith effort) and things do or do not work out. That's just it. I never really know the "true" outcome because I tend to write a premature ending.

Should trust be earned? Absolutely. But what happens when it is earned? TRUST. Stop creating problems. Stop being stubborn. Stop with the slippery slopes. But what if this happens....then something else will happen...and then that will probably happen...and then...and then. Just stop it. 

And above all else, pray AND act on your prayer. We all know prayer is not magical. We all know faith without work is dead. So, if you pray for a trusting heart then you have to make an attempt to behave in that manner. Prayer just makes it possible. If you pray for an honest relationship then you have to 1. be honest as well and 2. be willing to accept the honesty (flaws and all). Whew! Once you've prayed about it, stop stressing. I said in my journal entry that I wish God would do the research for me then I wouldn't have to worry or try to figure it out. Well the research is his permission. If you ask and pray and he lets you know that this is indeed where he wants you to be then that's pretty much the research. And even then, it won't be perfect.  But you have to submit to His plan. If He has made it clear that it is His plan. If you can't submit to Him, you surely can't submit to a hus----.....(umm, that's a topic for another day, smile). 

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding: in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3: 5-6 


**Trying something new...trying this "trust" thing out....will let you all know how it goes** 

hi faith. bye fear.

Beat of the Moment: Faithful, VaShawn Mitchell 

Here's one of my darkest secrets, lean in, let me share, ready? Here goes: there are times when I have minimal faith in myself and I fear much of what is going to happen in the future. GASP! Whether you believe in God, or something else, or nothing at all, one person you should have complete faith in is yourself! I have a million and one projects jotted down in a journal, but I NEVER act on them or bring them to life. This has become a running joke in my family. I always share (with excitement) my ideas with my sisters, but it has reached the point where their typical response is something like, "oh that's great, but when are you going to actually do IT?" I get really excited about my projects, plan them out on paper, assign cute and catchy names, sometimes research online or call a few people, but the follow-through stops there. 

What's stopping me from starting? Sometimes I just forget about the idea. Sometimes I figure I wouldn't have enough time or money to commit to it. And sometimes (ok, most times), I'm just freaking scared! I fear that it could fail. I fear that people would laugh. I fear that I might sound crazy when proposing innovative things. I fear that people won't relate. And here's one: I fear that it could actually succeed. I am not afraid to admit that I am afraid. But WHY am I so afraid? There are so many scriptures devoted to this idea of fear and failing. I know that God has not given [me] a spirit of fear. I know that He is my light and my salvation, and I should not fear anything. I also know that He is with me always. But somehow, even with all of that Biblical comfort, my faith manages to shrink in the face of fear.  

Well, I think I have reached the point where I feel that I have nothing to lose (maybe a little time and probably some money), but I think I am willing to sacrifice those things to follow some dreams. What better time than now to get started? Brand new month. Approaching a new season. I am ready to go boldly in the direction of my dreams. This month, I'm going to hold myself accountable by posting pictures to my "hi faith, bye fear" Facebook album for the entire month of August. The pictures will consist of symbols and objects to represent personal progression. I am a person who needs to see concrete evidence of achievement (lol). My goal is to take at least one step in the direction of my dreams each day. Whether this movement includes small steps, medium steps, big steps, doesn't matter!  

What ideas are you sitting on? What goal are you trying to achieve? Write the vision and make it plain! I've written enough visions. I truly have. I am ready for execution. By the way, none of my "ideas" are for any sort of personal gain. They are all things that would help or benefit others. Even more reason to get rolling, right??? I am ready. Hi faith. Bye fear. 

"...and when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it..." The Alchemist 

Worry: The Way of the World

Beat of the Moment: Tasha Cobbs, “Happy” Listen Here

Weak While Waiting: Practicing Patience

Please Note: This post is extremely informal. Not that deep. Very vague. I'm not saying anything inspirational. I'm just talking. 

Beat of the Moment: currently listening to a sermon by Rev. Dr. Jamal H. Bryant (people love to hate him, but personal life aside, this man preaches the WORD...I am a student of his ministry. . .no, I'm not a member of his church, but his word has gotten me through some rough patches) so yes, his sermon "I Wish It Was Easier" is blasting through my ears right now! 

Practicing patience in my personal life is probably one of my biggest struggles. Admittedly, I am one impatient person. Admittedly, my lack of patience is the fuel to much of my discomfort. The phrase waiting patiently seems a tad paradoxical to me. How one conquers this task is beyond me. The whole "what to do while waiting" topic stays on my mind; I just can't seem to practically put its core components to use. 

Why am I talking about this? For one, it seems to be the new motif of my life. It used to be "never easy" and I guess that aligns well with patience and waiting. Last week, well actually two weeks ago, my bible study group took a look at Sarah's life. It seems that at the surface, many people, especially women, scrutinize Sarah's careless, yet desperate decision. I'm going to infer that those who criticize this woman of the Bible fail to analyze the root of her problem: patience. Sarah got tired of waiting. Moreover, she became tired of waiting on something that she desired more than anything in the world. Exchange Sarah's desire to birth a child with whatever it is that you've been praying for, crying for, yearning for, and I'm sure her predicament becomes a bit less foreign. 

I want some things. Actually, I desire, crave, covet, and yearn for a lot of things. Some things aren't even tangible materials. Some things seem like things that I shouldn't even have to express a desire for because they should just be.  So what do you do when you want some things and you've prayed, fasted, meditated, and you still can't find the ability to wait in peace for an extended period of time? Do you engineer and piece together your own version of what you think you want? Do you throw in the towel and try to loose yourself of the desire? Do you find some other "thing" to replace this desire thus attempting to occupy your mind with this replacement? I don't know. I've tried them all (multiple times). Sometimes it feels like cycles are being repeated. Friends will tell you things like, "oh, you'll stumble across 'it' when you least expect it" and your spiritual advisors will tell you to "continue to have faith in God...His timing is best..." I almost wanna scream "blah, blah, blah...easy for you to say." 

Do I love the Lord? absolutely. Am I a believer? indeed. BUT my faith runs dry when it comes time to water my pot of patience. Or I find myself in a position where my patience endures BUT I'm miserable in the process. . .whew.

I don't have any of the answers. My blog is my space (lol). This is where I put some accountability to my journaling. . .and I make my personal thoughts public. This is sort of like venting sans the bitter undertone. Maybe someone will say something that will strengthen my patience??? 

Breaking points...sensitive moments....weak while waiting. . . .anyone?