trust.issues.

Beat of the Moment: Anthony Brown and Group TherAPy, "Deserve" (and the rest of the album)


I woke up early this morning and I was feeling very cheerful. I literally stretched and smiled (lol). I woke up around 8am, said a morning prayer, and started cleaning my bathroom. Strange. I know. Then I hopped back in my bed and started watching some tv. I watched Waiting to Exhale (I love Savannah) then some reality show called Fix My Mom (kind of weird, kind of good). After that I went back to bed. 

Fast forward a few hours. I wake up again. This time I have tears and crust in my eyes. What? What happened to the cheerfulness? And for whatever reason, being 30 was on my mind. Oh goodness. Here we go. I didn't blog about being 30 because I've been up and down about it. Anyway. I grab one of my ten journals and start writing. My journals are usually addressed to God. I'm usually sad when I write then always end up feeling much better. Therapeutic writing for the win! After writing, I decided to read some old entries. Ut-Oh. And this is where today's topic of trust issues evolved. 

An excerpt from a journal entry from July 14, 2014 reads: 

"I'm going to trust that you have a plan for whatever you send my way. I would rather stay alone then I don't have to run the risk of getting hurt. Will you please protect me? Will you just let me know if this is for me? Also, will you please work on me? I HAVE MAJOR TRUST ISSUES. I create stuff in my mind based on what has happened in the past. Will you do the research for me, so I can stop worrying? Will you let me know if this is where I should be? If you would just give me the green light to trust then I'd feel much better. Ease my pain. Make it right. Please don't let me stress myself out for no reason. If you're going to take me through this season of dating, please don't leave me. Let me date with purpose." 

It's true. I have trust issues on top of trust issues on top of trust issues. I won't get into root causes (maybe one day), but I recognize the problem. A lot of these issues prevent me from even thinking long-term relationship status with most people. Pair this with my semi-type A personality and my  "need to know everything" and we have one heck of a situation. 

This "situation" is what was on my mind when I woke up for the second time this morning. God, at some point, I have to figure this mess out. At some point (I'm thinking 30 is a good point), I need to allow "someone" the opportunity to get close to me. I need to open up. I need to be vulnerable. I need to take my hands off. I need to trust. I'm not saying live carelessly. But I should not be afraid of making an attempt. I can't get upset if both parties made an honest attempt (good faith effort) and things do or do not work out. That's just it. I never really know the "true" outcome because I tend to write a premature ending.

Should trust be earned? Absolutely. But what happens when it is earned? TRUST. Stop creating problems. Stop being stubborn. Stop with the slippery slopes. But what if this happens....then something else will happen...and then that will probably happen...and then...and then. Just stop it. 

And above all else, pray AND act on your prayer. We all know prayer is not magical. We all know faith without work is dead. So, if you pray for a trusting heart then you have to make an attempt to behave in that manner. Prayer just makes it possible. If you pray for an honest relationship then you have to 1. be honest as well and 2. be willing to accept the honesty (flaws and all). Whew! Once you've prayed about it, stop stressing. I said in my journal entry that I wish God would do the research for me then I wouldn't have to worry or try to figure it out. Well the research is his permission. If you ask and pray and he lets you know that this is indeed where he wants you to be then that's pretty much the research. And even then, it won't be perfect.  But you have to submit to His plan. If He has made it clear that it is His plan. If you can't submit to Him, you surely can't submit to a hus----.....(umm, that's a topic for another day, smile). 

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding: in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3: 5-6 


**Trying something new...trying this "trust" thing out....will let you all know how it goes**