Tossed my laundry list of qualifications aside.
Stopped searching.
Enjoyed me.
And then it happened. . .(just like everyone always said it would).
But the package was unlike anything I could have imagined. Although my superficial expectations were pretty much gone, I still had a vision in my mind of what it would look and feel like. Actual image and envisioned image were true opposites. And yet and still, it was the most amazing thing ever. Until it wasn't.
Relationships. Soulmates. Beloved. Future.
I've shared posts before about the process. Meaning--for a little over six months, we talked, talked, talked, and talked some more. It was beautiful. We became friends first. We examined just about every element of the other person. We discussed our faith, our flaws, and our future. Six months after only "talking" but really being much more than that, we made it official.
Love letters. Notes. Extremelyyyy thoughtful just-because gifts. Monthly dating anniversary acknowledgments and outings. Endless phone conversations. Nature walks. Beach walks. Competitive games. Holidays. Dinners. Family. Authentic joy. My dreams realized.
The usual things that plagued my mind when dating (issues of infidelity) weren't the focus of my attention. But something else was. It was fear. Though a far cry from perfect, this felt like it was it. And that scared the heck out of me. Even though "it" was what I had wanted, when "it" showed up, I chickened out. I found every single reason for "it" to be the wrong "it." And I drove myself insane. At first it was, "what will people say" then it was "maybe this will happen" or "this can't possibly be the real thing." And I psyched myself out like that for so long.
Then we both became guarded. Because my fear, my lack of trust, my willingness to throw in the towel at any given moment frightened him. It was intense. Then, finally, we tired ourselves out. He continued waiting for me to be who I said I was. Saying I was all in then backing out became an unpleasant norm. Then I took so many steps back. Far away from him. And overcome with fear, I made a mad dash. I could not continue to say "I do" and "I will" and "I promise" and "I'm here" and "I love" then show up missing and afraid and undecided.
So we split. And I think I watched my happily ever after sail off into a midnight sky. Numb from the pain of the unknown, I sat with it. No desire to repeat the process. No interest in anything else. So I wait. I still sit with it. For once in my life, there is no plan.
What are you so afraid of? Dreams. Choices. Paths. Lessons. Seasons. Reasons. Imperfections. Worthiness. Worthlessness. Expectations. Disappointments. Peace. Chaos. Beauty. Disaster. Lifelong. Feelings.
Beloved. xo
**not your typical BEATS AND A BIBLE post. . .just raw feelings. . .no scripture. . .but I am listening to Bishop Paul Morton's "Glory"**
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