Beating Holiday Blues!

I would not say that I live in a constant state of depression, but I definitely make a few pitstops on depression's drive when traveling down this road called life. One of those pitstops usually happens during the holiday season. I think this is true for many people who have lost loved ones. Notably, some years are better than others. Being in healthy and loving relationships does a lot to alleviate some of this emptiness. Even then,  there are still moments when we just sit with the painful tinge of death and missing loved ones during a season of "glee" and "fa la la la la." 

Depression manifests itself in so many different ways. Some people experience lows so severe that they cannot even function in their day-to-day duties. Some people withdraw from social settings. Other people turn to addictive behaviors and substances. My bouts wear a different face. I am usually a very neat and tidy person. I make my bed before leaving for work. I enjoy doing laundry, the pleasant smell of a clean home, and all that comes with being a keeper of the house. However, for the past month or longer, I have been a complete slob. There is no pretty way of putting it. I could not see the floor of my bedroom, bathroom, or walk-in closet. It was very ugly. I could go on and on about how unkept my space was. I said I was going to tackle it every other night, but could not find the energy to do so. This went on for way too long.

I thought about the time period. I was aware that the holidays were here, but didn't make the connection immediately. I decided to sit with my mess. And by mess, I am not talking about the stuff that was sprawled out across my bedroom floor, but the stuff within my mind that was preventing me from completing regular tasks. Also, my mind was all over the place and I found it difficult to do things that usually come with ease. This was an effect of the clutter surrounding me because I am a person who operates best mentally when I am in a clean and organized place. 

So, I decided to think of all the things that serve (or have served) as personal pick-me-ups. These  things have worked for me in the past. These things make my spirit happy and help me with beating the holiday blues. Maybe they can help someone else. 

1. Giving to others. I adopted two kids for Christmas. I also have a goddaughter to shop for this year. Shopping for these kids lifts my spirit tremendously. I can't wait to drop off their gifts! 

2. Journaling (and blogging). I have shared this before. Journaling is extremely therapeutic. Letting it all out on paper and placing your thoughts in a safe space is a cleanse in itself. Also, sharing your thoughts via a blog or website with your social network helps you and others! 

3. Writing notes to your deceased loved ones. I do not know why I did not start doing this sooner, but it is the best! A few years ago, I started drafting letters to my mom in the notes section of my iPhone. I usually end up in tears, but they are tears of joy! I also end up laughing after thinking about how she would respond to my note. I really miss her. When writing, I update her on all that is going on in my life and just have "conversations" with her. 

4. Social gatherings. This probably goes against everything you feel inside. When we get in a "way," we want to refrain from socializing and spending time with others. I am so guilty of this. Getting yourself together may be a burden, but once you get there, it is usually a blessing! Good food! Fantastic friends! Fun music and games! Great times. Get out of your bed! This is a big struggle for me, but it always helps. 

5. Getting your GLAM on! It is possible that we let ourselves go a little on the outside when we are not feeling so great on the inside. I am also so guilty of this. Trick yourself into feeling good by putting on your pretty!  There is nothing wrong with wearing a ponytail on occasion, but if that is becoming your staple then you need to pamper yourself. My glam usually includes a hair wand, makeup, and a mani/pedi. Make it happen! 

Of course, staying spiritually grounded is a given. Keep the word close. See some comforting scriptures below. 

Psalm 9:9 The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.

Psalm 147:3 “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”

Philippians 4:6: "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, by prayer and supplication with gratitude, make your requests known to God."

*I am certainly not a medical doctor/expert on depression, but these practical tips have helped me. Please seek medical attention in times of crisis.* 

How Fear Caused Me to Miss My Happily Ever After

Tossed my laundry list of qualifications aside. 
Stopped searching. 
Enjoyed me. 
And then it happened. . .(just like everyone always said it would). 


But the package was unlike anything I could have imagined. Although my superficial expectations were pretty much gone, I still had a vision in my mind of what it would look and feel like. Actual image and envisioned image were true opposites. And yet and still, it was the most amazing thing ever. Until it wasn't. 

Relationships. Soulmates. Beloved. Future. 

 I've shared posts before about the process. Meaning--for a little over six months, we talked, talked, talked, and talked some more. It was beautiful. We became friends first. We examined just about every element of the other person. We discussed our faith, our flaws, and our future. Six months after only "talking" but really being much more than that, we made it official. 

Love letters. Notes. Extremelyyyy thoughtful  just-because gifts. Monthly dating anniversary acknowledgments and outings. Endless phone conversations. Nature walks. Beach walks. Competitive games. Holidays. Dinners. Family. Authentic joy. My dreams realized. 

The usual things that plagued my mind when dating (issues of infidelity) weren't the focus of my attention. But something else was. It was fear. Though a far cry from perfect, this felt like it was it. And that scared the heck out of me. Even though "it" was what I had wanted, when "it" showed up, I chickened out. I found every single reason for "it" to be the wrong "it." And I drove myself insane. At first it was, "what will people say" then it was "maybe this will happen" or "this can't possibly be the real thing." And I psyched myself out like that for so long. 

Then we both became guarded. Because my fear, my lack of trust, my willingness to throw in the towel at any given moment frightened him. It was intense. Then, finally, we tired ourselves out. He continued waiting for me to be who I said I was.  Saying I was all in then backing out became an unpleasant norm. Then I took so many steps back. Far away from him. And overcome with fear, I made a mad dash. I could not continue to say "I do" and "I will" and "I promise" and "I'm here" and "I love" then show up missing and afraid and undecided. 

So we split. And I think I watched my happily ever after sail off into a midnight sky. Numb from the pain of the unknown, I sat with it. No desire to repeat the process. No interest in anything else. So I wait. I still sit with it. For once in my life, there is no plan. 

What are you so afraid of? Dreams. Choices. Paths. Lessons. Seasons. Reasons. Imperfections. Worthiness. Worthlessness. Expectations. Disappointments. Peace. Chaos. Beauty. Disaster. Lifelong. Feelings. 

Beloved. xo 



**not your typical BEATS AND A BIBLE post. . .just raw feelings. . .no scripture. . .but I am listening to Bishop Paul Morton's "Glory"**