I Did It!

I originally wrote this post on July 7, 2017, but I realized that I never published it. So I'm doing it now! It's actually perfect. I just started seeing a new therapist a few months ago. I'll write about that soon--"Therapy: Round 2." Full circle. Kind of. Take a gander. 

No Beat of the Moment. Sorry. 

I did it. After thinking about it for the past ten years or so, I made the decision to go to therapy. Whew! Saying that "aloud" and for the "world" to hear feels a bit refreshing. We all have issues. Face it. Some more than others. LOL. I have said before that I regret not going to therapy as a teenager (after losing my mother). Then again, after losing my grandmother. Sheesh. Sometimes I can't quite put my hands on how I have managed to make it this far. (Other than by God's Grace of course. No strength of my own. Alone, I am not strong enough.) 

I am (I think) going to share some of my experience with therapy later. Promise it will not be a whole year later. I actually have a lot to share. However, this bit I have to get out now. After a few months of therapy (definitely noticing growth), I decided to take a tiny break. Minor Reason: I quit my job. Ha. Ha. Gosh, it felt great saying that aloud too. Extremely liberating. (I will also share more about that in a later post. I have A LOT of catching up to do.) But seriously, I "resigned" from my job. I am going back to teaching high school (even though the grade level wasn't the sole source of my unhappiness). YES, we have so much catching up to do. But, I am extremely excited about my new job.  Back to the minor reason. I quit my job. No insurance for one month. Darn.  Paying for therapy out of pocket was not really in the plan. 

Okay, but back to it. I DID IT. I was extremely nervous about going to therapy. A friend recommended her therapist to me (over two years ago) and she had nothing but great things to say about her. Black woman. That kind of created a safe space that was a little more comfortable. I found out on the first visit that she also lost her mother (not as a teenager), but still, we shared that unfortunate experience. I also found out she worked as a therapist during the day at a high school. Okay. Similar career experience working with the student population. This was going to be great. So many shared experiences. 

It was great. I was opening up. I SAT on her couch. Refused to stretch out or lay down. Away with the stereotypes. LOL. She did a lot of the talking at first. She asked a lot of questions. She easily identified my triggers. She was not judgmental. It was great. Then I lied. I lied to my therapist. What? Why was I even there if I was not going to be honest? Waste of money. Waste of time. Yup. I convinced myself (every other week) that I was going to tell her the truth at the next session. Andrea, what are you really doing with yourself? No truth. Nope. Continued with the lie. She would ask for updates and I would make things up. As I am typing this, I am realizing again how ridiculous this was. So I told myself I would definitely stop going until I really gained the courage to tell her the truth. Sad thing is: this truth is not even MY truth. It pertains to someone else, but of course, it is an extension of me.

In some ways, this was/is the best personal experience. Talking about grief and loss has been so helpful. Tackled my anxiety issues in a major way. Still working on them, but I have noticed major growth in that area. Except now, I have anxiety about coming clean. Also, I worked (kind of) with my therapist this summer. This summer, I am teaching at the school where she does counseling. It was not planned either. Complete coincidence. My life is so funny. I see her a few times a week in passing.

Even though I did not "come clean" (because I didn't reveal my little white lie, haha), I feel a little better. Writing is always so therapeutic. I have to deal with this mess. Because I did it. After all of those years, I made that leap. But did I really do it? Not if I can't be honest! I am going back (last week of August). I have to build up the courage or whatever it is that is keeping me from opening up completely. 

Beating Holiday Blues!

I would not say that I live in a constant state of depression, but I definitely make a few pitstops on depression's drive when traveling down this road called life. One of those pitstops usually happens during the holiday season. I think this is true for many people who have lost loved ones. Notably, some years are better than others. Being in healthy and loving relationships does a lot to alleviate some of this emptiness. Even then,  there are still moments when we just sit with the painful tinge of death and missing loved ones during a season of "glee" and "fa la la la la." 

Depression manifests itself in so many different ways. Some people experience lows so severe that they cannot even function in their day-to-day duties. Some people withdraw from social settings. Other people turn to addictive behaviors and substances. My bouts wear a different face. I am usually a very neat and tidy person. I make my bed before leaving for work. I enjoy doing laundry, the pleasant smell of a clean home, and all that comes with being a keeper of the house. However, for the past month or longer, I have been a complete slob. There is no pretty way of putting it. I could not see the floor of my bedroom, bathroom, or walk-in closet. It was very ugly. I could go on and on about how unkept my space was. I said I was going to tackle it every other night, but could not find the energy to do so. This went on for way too long.

I thought about the time period. I was aware that the holidays were here, but didn't make the connection immediately. I decided to sit with my mess. And by mess, I am not talking about the stuff that was sprawled out across my bedroom floor, but the stuff within my mind that was preventing me from completing regular tasks. Also, my mind was all over the place and I found it difficult to do things that usually come with ease. This was an effect of the clutter surrounding me because I am a person who operates best mentally when I am in a clean and organized place. 

So, I decided to think of all the things that serve (or have served) as personal pick-me-ups. These  things have worked for me in the past. These things make my spirit happy and help me with beating the holiday blues. Maybe they can help someone else. 

1. Giving to others. I adopted two kids for Christmas. I also have a goddaughter to shop for this year. Shopping for these kids lifts my spirit tremendously. I can't wait to drop off their gifts! 

2. Journaling (and blogging). I have shared this before. Journaling is extremely therapeutic. Letting it all out on paper and placing your thoughts in a safe space is a cleanse in itself. Also, sharing your thoughts via a blog or website with your social network helps you and others! 

3. Writing notes to your deceased loved ones. I do not know why I did not start doing this sooner, but it is the best! A few years ago, I started drafting letters to my mom in the notes section of my iPhone. I usually end up in tears, but they are tears of joy! I also end up laughing after thinking about how she would respond to my note. I really miss her. When writing, I update her on all that is going on in my life and just have "conversations" with her. 

4. Social gatherings. This probably goes against everything you feel inside. When we get in a "way," we want to refrain from socializing and spending time with others. I am so guilty of this. Getting yourself together may be a burden, but once you get there, it is usually a blessing! Good food! Fantastic friends! Fun music and games! Great times. Get out of your bed! This is a big struggle for me, but it always helps. 

5. Getting your GLAM on! It is possible that we let ourselves go a little on the outside when we are not feeling so great on the inside. I am also so guilty of this. Trick yourself into feeling good by putting on your pretty!  There is nothing wrong with wearing a ponytail on occasion, but if that is becoming your staple then you need to pamper yourself. My glam usually includes a hair wand, makeup, and a mani/pedi. Make it happen! 

Of course, staying spiritually grounded is a given. Keep the word close. See some comforting scriptures below. 

Psalm 9:9 The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.

Psalm 147:3 “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”

Philippians 4:6: "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, by prayer and supplication with gratitude, make your requests known to God."

*I am certainly not a medical doctor/expert on depression, but these practical tips have helped me. Please seek medical attention in times of crisis.* 

How Fear Caused Me to Miss My Happily Ever After

Tossed my laundry list of qualifications aside. 
Stopped searching. 
Enjoyed me. 
And then it happened. . .(just like everyone always said it would). 


But the package was unlike anything I could have imagined. Although my superficial expectations were pretty much gone, I still had a vision in my mind of what it would look and feel like. Actual image and envisioned image were true opposites. And yet and still, it was the most amazing thing ever. Until it wasn't. 

Relationships. Soulmates. Beloved. Future. 

 I've shared posts before about the process. Meaning--for a little over six months, we talked, talked, talked, and talked some more. It was beautiful. We became friends first. We examined just about every element of the other person. We discussed our faith, our flaws, and our future. Six months after only "talking" but really being much more than that, we made it official. 

Love letters. Notes. Extremelyyyy thoughtful  just-because gifts. Monthly dating anniversary acknowledgments and outings. Endless phone conversations. Nature walks. Beach walks. Competitive games. Holidays. Dinners. Family. Authentic joy. My dreams realized. 

The usual things that plagued my mind when dating (issues of infidelity) weren't the focus of my attention. But something else was. It was fear. Though a far cry from perfect, this felt like it was it. And that scared the heck out of me. Even though "it" was what I had wanted, when "it" showed up, I chickened out. I found every single reason for "it" to be the wrong "it." And I drove myself insane. At first it was, "what will people say" then it was "maybe this will happen" or "this can't possibly be the real thing." And I psyched myself out like that for so long. 

Then we both became guarded. Because my fear, my lack of trust, my willingness to throw in the towel at any given moment frightened him. It was intense. Then, finally, we tired ourselves out. He continued waiting for me to be who I said I was.  Saying I was all in then backing out became an unpleasant norm. Then I took so many steps back. Far away from him. And overcome with fear, I made a mad dash. I could not continue to say "I do" and "I will" and "I promise" and "I'm here" and "I love" then show up missing and afraid and undecided. 

So we split. And I think I watched my happily ever after sail off into a midnight sky. Numb from the pain of the unknown, I sat with it. No desire to repeat the process. No interest in anything else. So I wait. I still sit with it. For once in my life, there is no plan. 

What are you so afraid of? Dreams. Choices. Paths. Lessons. Seasons. Reasons. Imperfections. Worthiness. Worthlessness. Expectations. Disappointments. Peace. Chaos. Beauty. Disaster. Lifelong. Feelings. 

Beloved. xo 



**not your typical BEATS AND A BIBLE post. . .just raw feelings. . .no scripture. . .but I am listening to Bishop Paul Morton's "Glory"** 

trust.issues.

Beat of the Moment: Anthony Brown and Group TherAPy, "Deserve" (and the rest of the album)


I woke up early this morning and I was feeling very cheerful. I literally stretched and smiled (lol). I woke up around 8am, said a morning prayer, and started cleaning my bathroom. Strange. I know. Then I hopped back in my bed and started watching some tv. I watched Waiting to Exhale (I love Savannah) then some reality show called Fix My Mom (kind of weird, kind of good). After that I went back to bed. 

Fast forward a few hours. I wake up again. This time I have tears and crust in my eyes. What? What happened to the cheerfulness? And for whatever reason, being 30 was on my mind. Oh goodness. Here we go. I didn't blog about being 30 because I've been up and down about it. Anyway. I grab one of my ten journals and start writing. My journals are usually addressed to God. I'm usually sad when I write then always end up feeling much better. Therapeutic writing for the win! After writing, I decided to read some old entries. Ut-Oh. And this is where today's topic of trust issues evolved. 

An excerpt from a journal entry from July 14, 2014 reads: 

"I'm going to trust that you have a plan for whatever you send my way. I would rather stay alone then I don't have to run the risk of getting hurt. Will you please protect me? Will you just let me know if this is for me? Also, will you please work on me? I HAVE MAJOR TRUST ISSUES. I create stuff in my mind based on what has happened in the past. Will you do the research for me, so I can stop worrying? Will you let me know if this is where I should be? If you would just give me the green light to trust then I'd feel much better. Ease my pain. Make it right. Please don't let me stress myself out for no reason. If you're going to take me through this season of dating, please don't leave me. Let me date with purpose." 

It's true. I have trust issues on top of trust issues on top of trust issues. I won't get into root causes (maybe one day), but I recognize the problem. A lot of these issues prevent me from even thinking long-term relationship status with most people. Pair this with my semi-type A personality and my  "need to know everything" and we have one heck of a situation. 

This "situation" is what was on my mind when I woke up for the second time this morning. God, at some point, I have to figure this mess out. At some point (I'm thinking 30 is a good point), I need to allow "someone" the opportunity to get close to me. I need to open up. I need to be vulnerable. I need to take my hands off. I need to trust. I'm not saying live carelessly. But I should not be afraid of making an attempt. I can't get upset if both parties made an honest attempt (good faith effort) and things do or do not work out. That's just it. I never really know the "true" outcome because I tend to write a premature ending.

Should trust be earned? Absolutely. But what happens when it is earned? TRUST. Stop creating problems. Stop being stubborn. Stop with the slippery slopes. But what if this happens....then something else will happen...and then that will probably happen...and then...and then. Just stop it. 

And above all else, pray AND act on your prayer. We all know prayer is not magical. We all know faith without work is dead. So, if you pray for a trusting heart then you have to make an attempt to behave in that manner. Prayer just makes it possible. If you pray for an honest relationship then you have to 1. be honest as well and 2. be willing to accept the honesty (flaws and all). Whew! Once you've prayed about it, stop stressing. I said in my journal entry that I wish God would do the research for me then I wouldn't have to worry or try to figure it out. Well the research is his permission. If you ask and pray and he lets you know that this is indeed where he wants you to be then that's pretty much the research. And even then, it won't be perfect.  But you have to submit to His plan. If He has made it clear that it is His plan. If you can't submit to Him, you surely can't submit to a hus----.....(umm, that's a topic for another day, smile). 

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding: in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3: 5-6 


**Trying something new...trying this "trust" thing out....will let you all know how it goes** 

hi faith. bye fear.

Beat of the Moment: Faithful, VaShawn Mitchell 

Here's one of my darkest secrets, lean in, let me share, ready? Here goes: there are times when I have minimal faith in myself and I fear much of what is going to happen in the future. GASP! Whether you believe in God, or something else, or nothing at all, one person you should have complete faith in is yourself! I have a million and one projects jotted down in a journal, but I NEVER act on them or bring them to life. This has become a running joke in my family. I always share (with excitement) my ideas with my sisters, but it has reached the point where their typical response is something like, "oh that's great, but when are you going to actually do IT?" I get really excited about my projects, plan them out on paper, assign cute and catchy names, sometimes research online or call a few people, but the follow-through stops there. 

What's stopping me from starting? Sometimes I just forget about the idea. Sometimes I figure I wouldn't have enough time or money to commit to it. And sometimes (ok, most times), I'm just freaking scared! I fear that it could fail. I fear that people would laugh. I fear that I might sound crazy when proposing innovative things. I fear that people won't relate. And here's one: I fear that it could actually succeed. I am not afraid to admit that I am afraid. But WHY am I so afraid? There are so many scriptures devoted to this idea of fear and failing. I know that God has not given [me] a spirit of fear. I know that He is my light and my salvation, and I should not fear anything. I also know that He is with me always. But somehow, even with all of that Biblical comfort, my faith manages to shrink in the face of fear.  

Well, I think I have reached the point where I feel that I have nothing to lose (maybe a little time and probably some money), but I think I am willing to sacrifice those things to follow some dreams. What better time than now to get started? Brand new month. Approaching a new season. I am ready to go boldly in the direction of my dreams. This month, I'm going to hold myself accountable by posting pictures to my "hi faith, bye fear" Facebook album for the entire month of August. The pictures will consist of symbols and objects to represent personal progression. I am a person who needs to see concrete evidence of achievement (lol). My goal is to take at least one step in the direction of my dreams each day. Whether this movement includes small steps, medium steps, big steps, doesn't matter!  

What ideas are you sitting on? What goal are you trying to achieve? Write the vision and make it plain! I've written enough visions. I truly have. I am ready for execution. By the way, none of my "ideas" are for any sort of personal gain. They are all things that would help or benefit others. Even more reason to get rolling, right??? I am ready. Hi faith. Bye fear. 

"...and when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it..." The Alchemist 

Worry: The Way of the World

Beat of the Moment: Tasha Cobbs, “Happy” Listen Here

Weak While Waiting: Practicing Patience

Please Note: This post is extremely informal. Not that deep. Very vague. I'm not saying anything inspirational. I'm just talking. 

Beat of the Moment: currently listening to a sermon by Rev. Dr. Jamal H. Bryant (people love to hate him, but personal life aside, this man preaches the WORD...I am a student of his ministry. . .no, I'm not a member of his church, but his word has gotten me through some rough patches) so yes, his sermon "I Wish It Was Easier" is blasting through my ears right now! 

Practicing patience in my personal life is probably one of my biggest struggles. Admittedly, I am one impatient person. Admittedly, my lack of patience is the fuel to much of my discomfort. The phrase waiting patiently seems a tad paradoxical to me. How one conquers this task is beyond me. The whole "what to do while waiting" topic stays on my mind; I just can't seem to practically put its core components to use. 

Why am I talking about this? For one, it seems to be the new motif of my life. It used to be "never easy" and I guess that aligns well with patience and waiting. Last week, well actually two weeks ago, my bible study group took a look at Sarah's life. It seems that at the surface, many people, especially women, scrutinize Sarah's careless, yet desperate decision. I'm going to infer that those who criticize this woman of the Bible fail to analyze the root of her problem: patience. Sarah got tired of waiting. Moreover, she became tired of waiting on something that she desired more than anything in the world. Exchange Sarah's desire to birth a child with whatever it is that you've been praying for, crying for, yearning for, and I'm sure her predicament becomes a bit less foreign. 

I want some things. Actually, I desire, crave, covet, and yearn for a lot of things. Some things aren't even tangible materials. Some things seem like things that I shouldn't even have to express a desire for because they should just be.  So what do you do when you want some things and you've prayed, fasted, meditated, and you still can't find the ability to wait in peace for an extended period of time? Do you engineer and piece together your own version of what you think you want? Do you throw in the towel and try to loose yourself of the desire? Do you find some other "thing" to replace this desire thus attempting to occupy your mind with this replacement? I don't know. I've tried them all (multiple times). Sometimes it feels like cycles are being repeated. Friends will tell you things like, "oh, you'll stumble across 'it' when you least expect it" and your spiritual advisors will tell you to "continue to have faith in God...His timing is best..." I almost wanna scream "blah, blah, blah...easy for you to say." 

Do I love the Lord? absolutely. Am I a believer? indeed. BUT my faith runs dry when it comes time to water my pot of patience. Or I find myself in a position where my patience endures BUT I'm miserable in the process. . .whew.

I don't have any of the answers. My blog is my space (lol). This is where I put some accountability to my journaling. . .and I make my personal thoughts public. This is sort of like venting sans the bitter undertone. Maybe someone will say something that will strengthen my patience??? 

Breaking points...sensitive moments....weak while waiting. . . .anyone?