a prayer for everything I've lost. . .

Beat of the Moment: J Moss, "Good and Bad"

I had a serious revelation the other night while I was driving home. Sidenote: I have some of my best shouts in my car. There is nothing like screaming out and crying out at the tippy top of your lungs. Whew! It is so refreshing. Driving home last night......and I begin praying out to God. During this prayer, I realized that it is in Christ Jesus that I learn, "everything I thought I wanted, needed, deserved, and didn't get was completely wrong for me.." So I prayed: God, I praise you for everything I've lost. Usher me into my season of maturity (it takes a certain level of growth and maturity to even utter these words or acknowledge this). God, I love you for what you've kept from me. And I apologize for whining and throwing tantrums like a child  (yes, so guilty of this...far too often) when I didn't receive it. I promise to trust you with all of me even when it doesn't look right to me. God, you're amazing!! Thank you for what I didn't get! Thank You, thank You, thank You for every single thing that escaped me. Your plan. Your promise. Your perfections.

I'm deeply, madly, ridiculously in love with the King of  Kings.

Why I Love Lent!

 I love Lent. I think it is one of my favorite spiritual observances. This season is a period of intentional self-reflection and repentance. Not that these things shouldn't take place daily, but this time is specifically dedicated to cleansing your inner self. Many people love the idea or the hype of fasting from some "thing"  (fried foods, soda, chocolate, alcohol, cursing, etc.) for 40 days, but it's so much more than that. My pastor described this fasting period as a time when "the outward man perishes so the inward man flourishes." The objective is to simply get closer  with  Christ...to be still and listen to His voice and cutting off your worldly desires is one way to achieve this goal. This is a time of forgiveness. A time for a new start.  A time of Grace (my favorite word) and Mercy. My pastor taught from Psalm 51 on Ash Wednesday. In this psalm, David cries out and begs for God to have mercy on him. David acknowledges that repenting means being forgiven. Too often we fail to repent because we don't want to admit that we are wrong, raggedy, and most of all sinful by nature.  My favorite time of day is my God time. My late at night or early in the morning moments of sitting with God. It is in this moment that I am able to offer my entire self to Him, so it is only right that I would absolutely love an entire season set aside just for this purpose. I thought long and hard about what I wanted to "give up for Lent" and I honestly couldn't decide on anything. One- because I am ridiculously indecisive, but also because I couldn't think of anything that is  completely blocking me from hearing God. I am in no way perfect or arrogant in my walk with Christ, but I sort of dealt with this stuff before the new year. I gave up social media for the month of January. I thought that was my biggest distraction at times. I thought about a few other things, but didn't think they would truly do anything in the area of drawing me closer to God. So instead of giving something up, I decided that I would simply commit to Christ even more and I've been doing just that. During this Lenten season, I am learning that you are not defined by your sin. I am learning to love myself more than I ever have before. I am learning to focus wholeheartedly on Christ. I am learning to not accept any old thing because I deserve so much more. Finally, I am learning to be still and listen to His voice. It is in my quiet place when I am most open and obedient that God makes His presence known. I thank God for this season. It is in this season that we prepare ourselves for the Resurrection.

....help me overcome my unbelief!

This is for my biblical scholars, or anyone with advice. Help! I've always been drawn to Mark 9:24, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief." I am not sure why, but there's something about a paradox that I love. Then again, Toni Morrison IS my favorite author. So I think about this scripture from time to time and try to understand why this father would say I believe and I don't believe all in the same breath; then it kind of hit me. Today, I was thinking about all of the things, moments, people that my mother never got to even witness or meet. I then thought, "I still don't understand why people die." Then I thought, "well I understand why people die, but I don't understand the "when" aspect of death." I'm not sure if this statement is completely true, but I think that if I lost my mom when I was 40 or 50 as opposed to 15 then it would have been easier, but who knows. Back to my original point. I believe in God for everything, ok most things, most times. When it comes to death and taking people away and destroying families then like the father in the text, I'm asking God to help my unbelief. I'm a believer. I've given my life to Christ, but there are still things I don't understand, hence my "unbelief." I have moments when I trust that God knew exactly what He was doing and that all of this has purpose even when I don't know exactly what that purpose is, presently. On the contrary, there are moments when I think "why  me" and "what did I do to deserve such a catastrophe?" As always, I will continue to pray that God makes His plan clear. But beyond that, I will pray that my trust in Him....my faith in Him does not waver when I don't understand His workings. 

Suggestions? 

WHY?

"You God are my God...earnestly I seek You." I started my day declaring that I wanted all of God. I woke up this morning with Psalm 63 on my mind.  I had a pretty decent day, very lazy snow day. However, my night was not as peaceful. There's way too much background information needed to tell the whole story, so I'll keep it very brief. The bottom line is yet again, I returned back to a situation (read situation as boy) that I had no business dealing with. Now God has already clearly revealed to me that this man is not for me in any way, shape, or form. In fact, I studied 2 Corinthians 6:14-16 today and it became even more clear that this man is not for me. What do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with dark? Now I'm not saying this man is wicked or unrighteous, but I do know that he is not helping me in my walk with God. While I don't think he is  "a" demon, I do think he is  "my" demon. He causes me to question my morals and values and I am almost willing to compromise my spirituality for him. Nothing about this screams Godly. 

For whatever reason, this situation with him has been the struggle of my life for almost 4 years now. Insane, right? I know.  Although I don't intend to beat myself up about it, I do realize that this fight I'm in is primarily with myself. I've given this man/this situation too much power and space in my life. I'm declaring that today was the final test. I've decided that  I would like to actually please God and pass the test. I'm not writing this blog tonight because I want to tell you all about this chaotic confusion, but because I want to discuss the purpose behind it. I've been walking with God long enough to know that every single thing that happens in this little life of mine is for a purpose. So tonight, I asked God, one three letter word-why. Why  do you allow this happen to me? Why do you send me back into the eye of the storm? Why do you think I deserve this? Why do you find it necessary for me to fight this same battle over and over again?  And He replied, "I have to hurt you to help you." And I immediately understood. It's like getting a needle at the doctor's office. The nurse says, this will hurt just a bit, but the shot is designed to heal you. That's just it. Without this sting of pain, I would never pay attention. Although I was torn and confused all along, I kept rolling  with it because it wasn't hurting enough. You see what happened? I had to get your attention.  That's the only way you come running back to me. And He's right. For the last two hours, I've been sitting with God, face all in the Bible, blasting sermons and hymns through my Beats, mouth worshiping Him. He knows. This is the last time. He has my attention.  I can't tell you how many times I've failed this test, but I'm proclaiming tonight-never again. 



[When I get to that crazy place of chaos, I put on my Beats to tune everything out, and open up my Bible to get in God's presence. What do you do?]